I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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