Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
