hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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