none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My cat gives me a boner
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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