You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
