Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
