How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
