I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
