Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
