i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
