3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
