Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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