dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were trust falling into bushes
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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