i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
