Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
