you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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