Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
