Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i now understand why vodka
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
