Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
