Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
