Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
True strength comes from lack of pants
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
