so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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