just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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