So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
