omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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