EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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