Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
zippers are such a cool invention
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
