I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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