I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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