Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
