youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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