there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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