It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
