1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
