If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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