Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
