I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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