It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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