"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
