Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
A+ Viking dick
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
