Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
