so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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