she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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