Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
