my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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