I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
