Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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