Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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