I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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