How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
