I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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